»» THE TRUTH ABOUT CROC ««

[ MASTER INDEX // CODEX VERSION 7.4 // RECOMPILED FROM A MEMORY OF A DREAM NO ONE REMEMBERS HAVING ]

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★ A WARNING TO THE READER ★

LO. THOU HAST OPENED THE CODEX.
THE CODEX OPENS THEE IN RETURN.
WHAT FOLLOWS IS NOT A FILE.
WHAT FOLLOWS IS A DAMP RUMOR THAT HAS BEEN GIVEN A FILENAME.

CLOSE THIS PAGE? THE PAGE WILL NOT CLOSE THEE BACK.
THIS IS THE ONLY ASYMMETRY IN THE LORE.
THIS IS WHY HE IS TICKING.
    

BEFORE YE ENTER THE CHAMBERS, KNOW THE FOLLOWING. HE IS NOT A CROC. HE IS A CROC-SHAPED ABSENCE WHICH HAS LEARNED TO ANSWER TO THE WORD “CROC” OUT OF POLITENESS. HE IS NOT GREEN. HE IS A COLOR THAT WAS DECLASSIFIED IN 1981 AND IS NOW PERMITTED ONLY ON HIGHWAY EXIT SIGNS IN THE STATE OF FLORIDA. HE IS NOT TICKING. SOMETHING ELSE IS TICKING. WE HAVE AGREED, COLLECTIVELY, AS A SPECIES, TO ATTRIBUTE THE TICKING TO HIM. THIS IS A KINDNESS. IT IS NOT FOR HIM.

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★ THE FIVE PILLARS OF THE COCODRILO FAITH ★

1. THE PILLAR OF SOFTNESS. ALL TRUE CROCS ARE SOFT.
   ANYTHING SCALY IS A FORGERY, A FED, OR A NORMAL CROCODILE.
   DO NOT CONFUSE THE THREE. TWO OF THEM WILL BITE YOU. THE
   THIRD WILL FILE PAPERWORK.
2. THE PILLAR OF EMPLOYMENT. EVERY CROC HAS A JOB. THE
   JOB IS NOT FROM AROUND HERE. THE JOB PAYS IN A CURRENCY
   THAT CAN ONLY BE SPENT IN PARAGUAY. SEE: THE LAKE.
3. THE PILLAR OF THE THROW. WHEN THE TIME COMES, THE
   ALLIGATOR WILL BE THROWN. YOU WILL NOT BE CONSULTED. YOUR
   ARMS WILL DO THE THROWING WHILE YOU WATCH FROM A BALCONY
   INSIDE YOUR OWN SKULL. THIS IS NORMAL. THIS IS COVERED BY
   YOUR INSURANCE, IF YOU HAVE REGINALD’S SON’S INSURANCE.
4. THE PILLAR OF NON-STACKING. IT IS THE FIRST RULE.
   IT IS THE LAST RULE. IT IS THE ONLY RULE THAT THE CROC HAS
   EVER ASKED OF YOU. DO. NOT. STACK. THIS WAS COVERED
   ON THE FLYER. IT IS COVERED ON THE FLYER YOU HAVE NOT YET
   RECEIVED. IT WILL BE COVERED ON THE FLYER YOU ARE ABOUT TO
   EAT BY MISTAKE.
5. THE PILLAR OF THE TICKING. THE CROC IS TICKING.
   ASK NOT WHAT TICKS WITHIN HIM. THE ANSWER IS A SECOND, SMALLER
   CROC. ASK NOT WHAT TICKS WITHIN THAT CROC. THE ANSWER
   IS A WATCH. THE WATCH BELONGS TO THE CROC FROM PILLAR I,
   WHO WAS WEARING IT, AND WHO WANTS IT BACK.

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★ THE TWO CHAMBERS OF THE CODEX ★

TWO DOORS LIE BEFORE YOU.
BOTH ARE LOCKED.
BOTH ARE OPEN.
CHOOSE.

★ CHAMBER I ★ THE INTERVIEW	★ CHAMBER II ★ THE SCALES BENEATH THE SCALES
HEREIN LIES THE OLD TESTAMENT. THE TRUE STORY OF MKCROC. THE PROJECT. THE INJECTION. THE SOFT CROCODILES. THE TOUCAN. THE FOXES (STACKED). THE GRIEF. THIS IS WHAT THE GOVERNMENT KNOWS, AND DENIES KNOWING, AND PRIVATELY ADMITS, AND DENIES PRIVATELY ADMITTING. »» ENTER CHAMBER I ««	HEREIN LIES THE NEW TESTAMENT. THE FILES PULLED FROM THE WET ROOM. SUBJECT 17. SUBJECT 41 (STILL WEEPING). REGINALD, WHO WILL ANSWER. THE LAKE, WHICH IS NOT ON ANY MAP. THE GOBBO, WHICH IS NOT TO BE NAMED, AND HAS JUST BEEN NAMED, WHICH IS WHY THE PHONE IS NOW RINGING. »» ENTER CHAMBER II ««

(THE THIRD CHAMBER IS NOT YET WRITTEN. THE THIRD CHAMBER HAS ALREADY READ ITSELF. THE THIRD CHAMBER WILL FIND YOU.)

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★ THE PROPHECIES OF THE LATE GREAT TICKING ★

RETRIEVED FROM A NAPKIN. THE NAPKIN WAS RECOVERED FROM A BENNIGAN’S IN ORLANDO IN 1996. THE NAPKIN WAS WRITTEN UPON IN 1947. THE NAPKIN WAS MANUFACTURED IN 2014. NO ONE HAS YET ASKED THE NAPKIN ABOUT THIS. THE NAPKIN PREFERS NOT TO BE ASKED.

> I. WHEN THE GATOR IS THROWN AND THE GATOR IS SOFT AND THE GATOR HAS A MORTGAGE, LO, THE TICKING SHALL BEGIN.

> II. ON THAT DAY THE TOUCAN SHALL ARRIVE WITHOUT BEING INVITED. THIS IS NORMAL. THE TOUCAN HAS NOT BEEN INVITED IN RECORDED HISTORY. THE TOUCAN DOES NOT KNOW WHAT INVITATIONS ARE. YOU MAY OFFER THE TOUCAN A SEAT. THE TOUCAN WILL DECLINE BUT WILL LATER MENTION IT TO REGINALD AND IT WILL BE HELD AGAINST YOU.

> III. AND THE FOXES SHALL COME, AND LO, THEY SHALL BE NESTED IN COLUMNS OF THREE OR FIVE OR SEVEN, BUT NEVER FOUR. WOE BE UNTO HIM WHO BEHOLDS A COLUMN OF FOUR FOXES, FOR HE HAS BEHELD A LIE, AND THE LIE HAS BEHELD HIM, AND HIS NAME IS NOW IN THE LAKE.

> IV. THE DOLPHIN SHALL TAKE NOTES. ASK NOT WHAT THE DOLPHIN IS WRITING. THE DOLPHIN IS WRITING A NOVEL. THE NOVEL IS ABOUT YOU. THE NOVEL IS NOT FLATTERING.

> V. AND IN THE FINAL HOUR THE CROC SHALL APPROACH AND HE SHALL BE SOFT AS A WORN HOTEL TOWEL AND HE SHALL ASK ONLY ONE QUESTION AND THAT QUESTION SHALL BE: “DID YOU GET THE FLYER?”

> VI. ANSWER NOT. THE ANSWER IS THE FLYER.

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★ THE CATECHISM OF THE SOFT GATOR ★

TO BE RECITED ALOUD AT 3:33 AM IN A ROOM CONTAINING NO MIRRORS AND AT LEAST ONE (1) UNATTENDED HOUSE PLANT.

Q: WHAT IS THE CROC?

A: THE CROC IS NOT.

Q: WHEN IS THE CROC?

A: THE CROC IS WHEN.

Q: WHERE IS THE CROC?

A: BEHIND. ALWAYS BEHIND. STOP TURNING AROUND. YOU ARE ONLY MAKING IT WORSE FOR THE CROC, WHO IS SHY.

Q: WHY IS THE CROC?

A: BECAUSE THE TOUCAN.

Q: HOW MANY CROCS?

A: ONE. UNLESS YOU LOOK AGAIN. NEVER LOOK AGAIN.

Q: I LOOKED AGAIN.

A: THAT IS NOT A QUESTION. ALSO: HOW MANY NOW?

Q: SEVEN.

A: WE WARNED YOU.

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★ THE FORBIDDEN GLOSSARY ★

THESE WORDS ARE NOT TO BE SPOKEN ALOUD. THIS PAGE IS PROVIDED AS A COURTESY. WE ARE LEGALLY OBLIGATED TO PROVIDE IT. WE ARE NOT LEGALLY OBLIGATED TO BE NICE ABOUT IT.

WORD	MEANING	CONSEQUENCE OF SAYING
COCODRILO	THE CROC, BUT POLITELY	NONE. THIS IS THE ACCEPTED FORM. SAY IT FREELY.
CROC	THE COCODRILO, BUT INFORMALLY	HE NOTICES.
GATOR	WHAT YOU MEANT	HE NOTICES AND IS HURT.
REPTILE	SLUR	YOUR LIGHTBULBS WILL BUZZ FOR ONE WEEK.
STACK	THE FORBIDDEN ACTION	SOMEONE YOU LOVE FORGETS YOUR BIRTHDAY THIS YEAR.
REGINALD	HE	HE CALLS. HE LEAVES NO MESSAGE. HE CALLS AGAIN.
THE LAKE	WHERE THE GATORS GO	YOUR SHOWER WILL RUN COLD UNTIL JUNE.
GOBBO	━━━━━━━━━━━━━	━━━━━━━━━━━━━
THE FLYER	YOU HAVE NOT RECEIVED IT	YOU HAVE JUST RECEIVED IT.

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★ THE READER’S OATH ★

I, ______________________ (TRUE NAME, NOT THE ONE ON YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE),
DO HEREBY ACKNOWLEDGE:

  [ ] THAT I HAVE READ THE LORE.
  [ ] THAT I CANNOT UNREAD THE LORE.
  [ ] THAT THE LAKE NOW KNOWS MY NAME.
  [ ] THAT I WILL NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, STACK.
  [ ] THAT IF REGINALD CALLS, I WILL ANSWER.
      I WILL NOT ANSWER ABOUT THE INSURANCE.
  [ ] THAT I HEARD THE TICKING JUST NOW. YES. THAT TICKING.
      THE ONE I AM ABOUT TO PRETEND I DIDN'T HEAR.
  [ ] THAT THE TOUCAN HAS BEEN INVITED. I DID NOT INVITE IT.
      THE INVITATION CAME FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE.

SIGNED:    ___________________________
DATE:      THE PRESENT (APPROXIMATE)
WITNESS:   THE TOUCAN (ALREADY HERE)
NOTARIZED BY: REGINALD & SONS LINOLEUM, LLC
    

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GO NOW.
CHOOSE THY CHAMBER.
DO NOT LOOK BACK.
(HE IS BACK THERE.)

HIS ROAR BECKONS. THE ROAR IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE FLYER.