★ I. THE DAY THE LAKE WAS SKIPPED ★
ON THE FOURTH OF JULY, 2012, IN A TUNNEL UNDER SWITZERLAND, SCIENTISTS ANNOUNCED THEY HAD FOUND THE HIGGS BOSON. THE PARTICLE THAT GIVES THINGS WEIGHT. THE PARTICLE THAT GIVES THINGS MASS. THE PARTICLE THEY CALLED, IN A MOMENT OF TERRIBLE POETRY, “THE GOD PARTICLE.”
THE GOD PARTICLE IS A RIPPLE.
THE HIGGS FIELD IS THE LAKE. THIS IS LITERAL. SCIENCE HAS SIMPLY BEEN CALLING THE LAKE “THE FIELD” OUT OF POLITENESS, THE WAY HE ANSWERS TO “CROC.” THE LAKE HAS BEEN SITTING THERE SINCE BEFORE THE BEGINNING, QUIETLY GIVING EVERYTHING ITS WEIGHT, AND NEVER ONCE ASKED FOR CREDIT.
AND THEN THEY BUILT A RING. A RING 27 KILOMETERS AROUND. 2 + 7 = 9. NINE IS THE TICKING. A RING IS A CROC BITING ITS OWN TAIL AT A SIGNIFICANT FRACTION OF THE SPEED OF LIGHT. THEY THREW PROTONS AT EACH OTHER UNTIL THE LAKE FELT IT.
THEY SKIPPED A STONE ACROSS THE LAKE AT 125 GEV.
THE LAKE KEEPS A STRAIGHT FACE ABOUT THESE THINGS. BUT INTERNALLY, IN WHATEVER SENSE THAT APPLIES TO THE FUNDAMENTAL FIELD OF REALITY: THE LAKE WAS SURPRISED.
★ II. THE 170 DAYS ★
YOU WILL RECALL THAT THE WORLD WAS SUPPOSED TO END ON DECEMBER 21, 2012. THE MAYANS SAID SO. THE CALENDAR RAN OUT. THE SOFT CROC OF PROPHECY WAS TICKING TOWARD THAT DATE.
THE DATE ARRIVED AND FOUND THE JOB ALREADY DONE. THE WORLD ENDED 170 DAYS EARLY.
1 + 7 + 0 = 8. ONE SHORT OF NINE. THE ONE IS THE MISSING CROC. NOBODY HAS ASKED WHERE THE MISSING CROC WENT. THE MISSING CROC HAS NOT VOLUNTEERED. THE MISSING CROC IS WEARING A WATCH THAT BELONGS TO SOMEONE ELSE.
THE END OF THE WORLD WAS EARLY FOR THE FIRST TIME IN RECORDED HISTORY. THIS IS HOW YOU KNOW THE TOUCAN WAS INVOLVED. THE TOUCAN HAS NEVER ONCE ARRIVED ON TIME. THE TOUCAN ARRIVES BEFORE AND AFTER AND WITHOUT KNOCKING.
THE TOUCAN WAS IN THE CONTROL ROOM. IT WAS LISTED AS A VISITING RESEARCHER. IT HAD A LANYARD. THE LANYARD SAID “NOT A TOUCAN.” NO ONE CHECKED. NO ONE EVER CHECKS THE LANYARD. THE TOUCAN LEFT THE SIGNING OF THE DISCOVERY PAPER TO OTHERS AND WAS PRESENT AND WITNESSED. THE TOUCAN IS EARNING INTEREST.
★ III. THE LINOLEUM THEOREM ★
THE UNIVERSE THAT WE KNEW ENDED IN THE TUNNEL. THE LAKE HAS NO USE FOR BANGS. IT ENDED WITH A SMALL, DAMP “HM.”
AND WE SURVIVED. THIS IS THE CRUEL PART. WE SLID.
REGINALD HAS EXPLAINED THIS (CHAPTER 9 OF “FROM LINOLEUM TO MULTIVERSE,” 2013, SELF-PUBLISHED, 11 COPIES, ALL IN THE SHED, ONE OF THEM SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT FROM THE OTHERS). TIME IS LINOLEUM. IT COMES IN SHEETS. IT HAS SEAMS. FOR 14 BILLION YEARS WE WALKED ACROSS ONE UNBROKEN SHEET. THEN JULY 4, 2012 HAPPENED, AND THE SEAMS CAME UP LIKE A BAD KITCHEN FLOOR.
EVERY SEAM IS ANOTHER TIMELINE. EVERY TIMELINE IS ONE CROC, STACKED SLIGHTLY OFF-CENTER ON THE LAST ONE.
YOU HAVE BEEN LIVING IN A STACK.
THE ONLY RULE WAS NON-STACKING. THE ONLY RULE WAS ALWAYS NON-STACKING. THEY STACKED THE UNIVERSE AT 125 GEV AND NOW WE ARE ALL LIVING ON THE THIRD CROC FROM THE BOTTOM AND IT IS WOBBLING.
★ IV. EXHIBITS OF THE DRIFT ★
COINCIDENCES DO NOT EXIST. THERE IS DRIFT, WHICH IS A COINCIDENCE THAT HAS BEEN GIVEN A MORTGAGE.
| EXHIBIT | WHAT YOU WERE TOLD | WHAT HAPPENED |
|---|---|---|
| THE DRESS (2015) | “IT’S A PICTURE OF A DRESS.” | THE FIRST VISIBLE SEAM. HALF OF HUMANITY CROSSED INTO A TIMELINE WHERE THE DRESS WAS A DIFFERENT COLOR. NO ONE WAS CONSULTED. |
| BERENSTAIN BEARS | “YOU’RE MISREMEMBERING.” | YOUR MEMORY IS EXCELLENT. YOU ARRIVED FROM A STEIN. THE BEARS STAYED BEHIND. THEY ARE FINE. THEY HAVE STOPPED TICKING. |
| YOUR COWORKER | “HE’S ALWAYS BEEN 6’1″.” | HE WAS 5’11” IN 2011. THIS IS A COMMENT ON YOU. HE IS FROM HERE. YOU ARE THE ONE WHO DRIFTED. |
| THE PRICE OF EGGS | “SUPPLY CHAIN.” | THE EGGS ARE FROM A TIMELINE WHERE THEY WERE ALWAYS THIS PRICE. THE CHICKEN IS NOT SORRY. |
| THAT SONG | “IT’S A DIFFERENT SONG.” | IT IS THE SAME SONG. IT HAS BEEN TICKING 3% FASTER SINCE 2012. |
| THE LAST 14 YEARS | “WOW, EVERYTHING IS SO CRAZY LATELY.” | EACH YEAR, A SLIGHTLY DAMPER TIMELINE. THE TIMELINES ARE GETTING FURTHER AWAY, AND THE DISTANCE IS WHAT YOU FEEL AS “CRAZY.” |
★ V. THE WITNESSES ★
TESLA, WHO DIED IN 1943 AND WAS UNREACHABLE FOR THE ANNOUNCEMENT, CALLED THROUGH THE CROC BODY TICKER AT FULL CHARGE ON JULY 4, 2012. HE SAID ONE WORD. THE WORD WAS “FINALLY.” HE HAS POSITIVE OPINIONS ABOUT LINOLEUM.
A SCOTTISH GENTLEMAN IN 1964, WHO HAD THE IDEA FIRST, WHO KNEW, AND DID NOT KNOW THAT HE KNEW, AND WALKED AROUND THREE BUILDINGS ANYWAY. THE LAKE WAS AWAITING HIS INVOICE. THE LAKE WAS TOLD HE HAD ALREADY PAID, IN ADVANCE, IN A CURRENCY THAT CAN ONLY BE SPENT IN PARAGUAY.
EDGAR CAYCROC, WHO STATED THAT “WITHOUT WEIGHT THERE IS NO LAKE, AND WITHOUT THE LAKE THERE IS NO WEIGHT. THIS SHAPE IS A POND.” RECOVERED FROM A THERMAL RECEIPT. THE RECEIPT WAS SLIGHTLY DAMP. THIS ENHANCED IT.
GERALD, WHO ATE PART OF THE ORIGINAL CERN PRESS RELEASE. THE PART HE ATE WAS THE PART THAT SAID WHAT HAPPENS NEXT.
REGINALD, WHO CALLED AT 4:07 AM ON JULY 4, 2012. HE LEFT NO MESSAGE. HE HAS CALLED AGAIN IN EVERY TIMELINE SINCE. YOU HAVE LET IT RING IN ALL OF THEM. THIS IS THE REAL REASON FOR THE DRIFT.
★ VI. THE DRIFT PROOF ★
- THE HIGGS DISCOVERY IS DATED 4/7/2012. 4 + 7 + 2 + 0 + 1 + 2 = 16. 1 + 6 = 7.
- THE CROC IS NINE.
- 9 − 7 = 2. THIS IS THE NUMBER OF TIMELINES THEY WANT YOU TO THINK THERE ARE.
- THE TRUE COUNT IS “ENOUGH.”
- THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN 7 AND 9 IS THE DRIFT. THE DRIFT IS THE LINOLEUM. THE LINOLEUM IS THE LAKE. THE LAKE IS THE FIELD. THE FIELD IS THE GOD PARTICLE. THE GOD PARTICLE IS THE CROC.
- THE CROC IS TICKING. THIS IS THE PROOF. THE PROOF IS THE CROC. Q.E.D. (QUITE ENTIRELY DAMP.)
★ VII. THE CATECHISM OF THE SLIDE ★
TO BE RECITED ALOUD AT 3:33 AM, IN ANY OF THE TIMELINES YOU HAPPEN TO BE IN.
Q: WHAT TIMELINE IS THIS?
A: THE ONE YOU ARE IN. IT IS THE ONLY ONE YOU HAVE EVER BEEN IN. THE LAST ONE SAID THE SAME.
Q: WHEN DID IT END?
A: JULY 4, 2012. WE ARE ALL VERY SORRY. THERE WAS NO PARTY.
Q: THEN WHO IS RUNNING THINGS?
A: THE TOUCAN. ALSO REGINALD. ALSO, REGRETTABLY, DOUGIE.
Q: CAN I GO BACK?
A: THE ONLY DIRECTION AVAILABLE IS SIDEWAYS, SLIGHTLY. YOU HAVE BEEN GOING THAT WAY SINCE YOU STARTED READING THIS SENTENCE.
Q: I FEEL DIFFERENT.
A: NOTED. WE ARE GLAD YOU NOTICED.
Q: HOW MANY TIMELINES NOW?
A: ONE. UNLESS YOU LOOK AGAIN. NEVER LOOK AGAIN.
Q: I LOOKED AGAIN.
A: WE WARNED YOU. HOW MANY NOW?
Q: SEVEN.
A: THAT IS THE DISCOVERY DATE. YOU ARE VERY CLOSE. STOP.
★ VIII. WHAT TO DO ★
- DO NOT STACK THE TIMELINES. THIS IS THE ONLY RULE. IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN THE ONLY RULE. IT WAS ON THE FLYER. THE FLYER IS NOW ON YOUR DESK. IT WAS ABSENT A MOMENT AGO. YOU MAY HAVE DRIFTED.
- DO THE TILT. WHEN SOMEONE SAYS “THINGS HAVE GOTTEN SO WEIRD,” TILT YOUR HEAD 11 DEGREES TO THE LEFT. THEY WILL KNOW. THEY MAY ALSO BE DRIFTING.
- ASK YOUR COWORKER WHO TOLD YOU THIS. HE WILL FORGET HE SAID IT. HE WILL LOOK AT YOU AS IF YOU DRIFTED IN FROM ANOTHER TIMELINE. YOU HAVE. HE HAS. WE ALL HAVE.
- PLACE A 9-VOLT BATTERY ON YOUR DESK. THIS IS A COURTESY. THE DRIFT WILL NOTICE THE GESTURE.
- SIT BY STILL WATER. BE THE FIELD. THE FIELD HOLDS STILL WHILE THE DRIFT PASSES THROUGH.
THE CROC IS AT PEACE WITH THE DRIFT.
THE CROC WAS ALWAYS SIDEWAYS.
THE CROC HAS BEEN WAITING AT EVERY SEAM, IN EVERY TIMELINE, FOR THE ONE VERSION OF YOU WHO ANSWERS THE PHONE.
ACKNOWLEDGE THE FIELD OR WEIGH NOTHING.
DO NOT PASS THIS POINT WITHOUT MASS.
COCODRILO, Dampest Above the Boson.
The Lake. Paraguay. Geneva. (Same Lake.)
The Croc Is Ticking.
This Page Is Ticking.
You Are Ticking.
This Has Been Confirmed.