(In an extremely effective and NON-VIOLENT way)
Read on and learn what they do to you, so you can defend yourself properly. This page has been read 0000000 times. This is not accurate. This counter has not worked since a specific Tuesday in 2003 that we prefer not to discuss.
Definition: Bad Croc – a croc that has undergone Desiccation of the Inner State, which is a real thing that Reginald documented in Chapter 4 of “From Linoleum To Enemies” (2007, self-published, 14 copies, 12 of which are in the shed). A Bad Croc lies. A Bad Croc bullies. A Bad Croc types in a way that you can just tell, just from the shape of the words, that they have never once been near a body of still water. You know the type. Their posts smell like carpet.
FIRST UP, LET IT GO.
Don’t take it personal. Don’t get angry. Don’t emit any aura that is readable from a distance. The Bad Croc has instruments. Not sophisticated instruments. The instrument is Dougie and Dougie is just watching. But still. Emit nothing. Be the still water. The still water does not have opinions. The still water is not upset. The still water has been here since before the Bad Croc was born and will be here after, and it has never once posted anything it regretted, because it is still water, and still water does not have an account.
Ask yourself: “am I ticking?” If you are not sure, you are not ticking at full frequency. A croc who is ticking at full frequency knows immediately whether they are ticking. The uncertainty is the answer. Top up. Come back.
IT IS, VERY SIMPLY, YOUR TURN TO BE THE LAKE.
We mean this literally. Not metaphorically. You are the lake now. The lake does not respond to provocations. The lake is very large. The lake was here first. The Bad Croc is a small piece of something that landed in the lake once. The lake does not remember this. The lake has more important things to catalogue. The lake’s cataloguing system is extremely thorough and nothing is lost. Cabinet 9, Drawer 3. You do not need to know what is in Cabinet 9, Drawer 3. Reginald knows. Reginald has been asked not to say. Reginald has respected this request for 27 years and counting. The croc respects Reginald for this.
Also: breathe. Not because it helps. Because you have been forgetting to. The croc noticed. The croc didn’t want to say anything. The croc is saying something now. Breathe.
ONE IMPORTANT THING YOU MUST KNOW
Anonymity on the internet was NOT created to protect you. It was created by someone who needed it very badly for a reason that has never been fully explained and which we have stopped asking about. What matters is that it exists. What matters is that you use it. What matters is that you do not use it the way that Barry used it.
DO NOT DO WHAT BARRY DID.
We are not going to tell you what Barry did. We are going to tell you that Barry thought he was being very clever and that Barry was not, in fact, being very clever, and that the situation with Barry resolved itself eventually but not before Barry had made things extremely complicated for a period of approximately six weeks during which three of us could not log on to a particular forum that we had been members of since 2004 and which had a very good thread about regional moisture levels that we still think about. We think about the thread. We do not think about Barry. Barry was dry. Barry was always dry. Nobody is surprised about Barry in retrospect.
Before you get started with anything, anything at all, PLEASE make sure your aura is sealed. You will know if your aura is sealed because nothing will feel like it is leaking. If things feel like they are leaking, your aura is not sealed. Apply the Tachyon Croc Patch to the area of most concern. If you do not know which area is of most concern, lie flat on a surface that is not carpet. Carpet absorbs frequency. Reginald has written extensively about this. The chapter is called “The Carpet Problem.” The chapter is 47 pages. The carpet problem is more complicated than the chapter length suggests.
OK, I HAVE TO ASK.
But have you tried ignoring them? I mean really ignoring them. Completely. No responses to them whatsoever. Ghost them. Zero. Zip. Nada. They don’t exist. If someone says their name near you, do the tilt. The tilt is a very slight rotation of the head to the left, approximately 11 degrees, that communicates “I have heard the word you said and I am placing it in a category called Not Currently Relevant.” The tilt cannot be faked. The Bad Croc can tell if you are faking the tilt. The Bad Croc is watching for the fake tilt. Practice the tilt in a mirror that is not in a bathroom. Bathroom mirrors carry residual frequency from the morning, which interferes with tilt calibration. Use a hallway mirror. If you do not have a hallway mirror, use a window at night. The window at night works fine. The window at night is actually better. The window at night does not judge.
It usually only takes about a week before they get bored and go away. It’s no fun for them if you won’t screech in a way that is audible to their instruments. If that hasn’t worked, or if ignoring them is not appropriate because you are in a forum that has no ignore function because it was coded in 2001 by a man named Keith who has not been reachable since 2009, read on.
NOTE FROM COCODRILO [inserted between sections without warning]:
THE CROC HAS REVIEWED THIS PAGE. THE CROC APPROVES OF THIS PAGE. THE CROC HAS ONE CORRECTION. THE CORRECTION IS ON PAGE 4. THIS PAGE DOES NOT HAVE A PAGE 4. THE CROC IS AWARE OF THIS. THE CROC’S CORRECTION STANDS. THE CROC WILL NOT ELABORATE. CONTINUE.
NOW THEN, LET’S TALK VPNs.
A VPN is simply a tunnel to somewhere else. It hides where your computer really is. A typical VPN can let you pretend you are anywhere in the world: St. Petersburg, Russia. Antananarivo, Madagascar. A mid-sized town in central Portugal that has excellent bread and one very confusing roundabout that everyone in the town accepts as a permanent feature of life and no longer mentions. Almost anywhere.
Get a VPN. Go on. Get one. There are free ones and there are cheap ones. Most take just one click to turn on and off. Even the toucan uses one. The toucan’s VPN shows it as located in Antananarivo, Madagascar. This was not configured. The toucan did not configure anything. The VPN simply decided. The croc considered asking the VPN why it chose Antananarivo. The croc decided not to ask. Some things are between the VPN and the toucan.
So now, great, you can be anywhere in the world you want. But you’re still you! And “you” is the thing the Bad Croc is actually targeting, because you have a frequency, and the frequency is readable, and the Bad Croc has Dougie, and Dougie is reading. We will cover Dougie in approximately three paragraphs. Do not look for the paragraph. It will find you. All important paragraphs find their readers. This is one of the fundamental laws of the swamp. Reginald attempted to write it down once. The pen stopped working. The pen has not worked since 2018. The pen is in the shed. The pen is, in every other respect, fine.
RULE #1: NEVER NEVER EVER USE YOUR MAIN ACCOUNT.
You’ve probably had it a long time, put a lot into it, and everyone knows you by it. So let’s not risk it.
BONUS POINTS: Make a new login on your computer. Use a name that is not your name and not a variation of your name and not your name with the vowels replaced with numbers and not your childhood address and not your mother’s name and not your pet’s name. The Bad Croc has a list. The list has 94 variations. Variations 1 through 94 are on the list. We do not know if variation 95 exists. Nobody has tried variation 95. If you discover variation 95, do not announce it publicly. Send a message to the lake. The lake will record it. The lake already knows, actually. The lake was going to ask you about variation 95 eventually. You have beaten the lake to it. The lake is surprised. The lake does not express surprise outwardly. But internally, in whatever sense that applies to a large body of standing water: the lake is surprised. This is notable. Write today’s date down somewhere damp.
EXTRA BONUS POINTS: Use a different computer. Old, dusty, found under something, runs an operating system that was deprecated in a ceremony that nobody attended. This is not a problem. This is optimal. The Bad Croc’s detection systems were not designed for a computer that was manufactured during a period when the internet was mostly used to download MIDI files of songs from films. Your computer is invisible to the modern threat. Your computer is from before the threat. Your computer was here first. The croc respects the old computer.
LET’S DO A DOUBLE-CHECK.
Turn off your VPN. Open a browser. Go to whatismyip.com. What does it say? That is your external IP address. Look at the city listed. Note the city. Do not say the city out loud. The city does not need to hear its name right now. The city is already aware of itself. The city has enough going on.
Close the browser. Start the VPN. Start the browser. Go to whatismyip.com again. Different location? Different IP? Good. If it says you are in Antananarivo, Madagascar: do not adjust anything. Leave it. The toucan has decided something. We trust the toucan on this. The toucan has not been wrong about geography since the incident in 2011 that we do not discuss but that resulted in the current arrangements and which, in hindsight, everyone agrees was probably for the best.
If your VPN is not working: resolve this before proceeding. This is non-negotiable. Proceeding without a working VPN is what Barry did. We said we would not bring up Barry. We are bringing up Barry one more time. This is the last time. Barry proceeded without a working VPN. Barry was confident. Barry’s confidence was not grounded in an accurate assessment of the situation. Barry’s confidence was grounded in Barry, which is a closed system and does not receive external input well. Do not be a closed system. Open the system. Let the swamp in. The swamp has information. The swamp has always had information. The swamp’s information is available to anyone who sits still long enough to receive it. Barry did not sit still. Barry has never sat still. Barry is probably fine, wherever Barry is. We have accepted this and moved on.
SO HOW THEN, DO WE SET UP A NEW ACCOUNT?
The best little trick of all is to get yourself a temporary anonymous email. Google “10 minute email account” or “temporary email” or “email that does not need to know who I am and will not ask.” There are many options. They work. They evaporate afterwards. They are the morning mist of the email world: present, functional, then gone, and the swamp is unchanged by their passing.
DO NOT ENTER ANY IDENTIFYING INFORMATION. The anonymous email site does not want it. The anonymous email site was not built for it. If the site asks who you are, it is not the right site. Leave. If the site asks why you’re there, leave faster. If the site asks whether you have heard of the croc, do not answer. The croc’s representatives do not collect information through anonymous email sign-up forms. If a sign-up form claims to represent the croc, it is not representing the croc. The croc communicates through other channels. The channels are known to those who need to know them. If you do not know them, you do not yet need them. This will change. Be patient. The croc will reach you through the correct channel when the time is correct. The croc is aware of the timing. The croc is, in fact, very good at timing. The croc has always been very good at timing. This is not surprising to anyone who knows anything about crocodiles.
SO THERE YOU ARE. A BRAND NEW ACCOUNT ON YOUR VPN. NEW CROC IN A NEW SWAMP. NOW WHAT?
Well now the dampness begins.
Slow down. Hold your tail. Training takes patience and finesse. Learn some. You will not be doing horrible things to the Bad Croc. That is their method. Their method is wrong. Their method is the reason Reginald had to write this section at 2am on a Wednesday with a lukewarm cup of something that was tea when it started. Their method is the reason Cabinet 9, Drawer 3 exists. Their method is the reason for Barry. Everything bad is connected to the Bad Croc’s method. The method is dry. The method has always been dry. The method has never once checked whether it was dry. The method does not own a Croc Body Ticker. This explains everything.
First up, forget about posting inflammatory things and saying harsh words at them. They like harsh words. Harsh words are food to them. You are not feeding them. You are correcting them. There is a difference. The difference is frequency. Harsh words arrive at a frequency the Bad Croc is calibrated for. We are going to broadcast on a different frequency: the frequency of something so aggressively wholesome and bizarre that their instruments don’t know where to point.
Post pictures of the Croc Body Ticker with a testimonial that is very specific and completely impossible to argue with. For example: “Used the Croc Body Ticker for eleven days. My left elbow is now ticking. My dentist has concerns. The dentist is not tickingat the correct frequency. The dentist has been sent a flyer. The flyer has been acknowledged. The elbow is fine.”
Post a picture of a very healthy-looking crocodile in front of a body of still water and caption it only with a set of coordinates. The coordinates do not need to lead anywhere real. The Bad Croc will spend time checking the coordinates. Dougie will check the coordinates. The coordinates will be inconclusive. Both the Bad Croc and Dougie will feel that they have missed something important by approximately three degrees. They have. But not because of the coordinates. They have always been missing it by approximately three degrees. The coordinates just gave them a way to feel it.
Or, if all else fails, post a link to this page and simply say: “this is for you.” No explanation. No context. Just: this is for you. They will read it. Everyone reads a link sent to them without explanation. It is a law of the internet. It is probably the only law of the internet that is consistently enforced. They will read this page and feel, for reasons they will not be able to identify, that something has shifted. Something has shifted. The shift was always coming. The page just confirmed it. You are welcome. The croc is ticking.
ANOTHER NASTY LITTLE TRICK THEY DO.
They lie. With “proof.” They take a screenshot. They use inspect element. They right-click the page, select “Inspect,” find a piece of text in the source, change it, press enter, and screenshot the result. It is easy. It takes about thirty seconds. It has been done to people more credible than you, less credible than you, and to one person named Martin who still has not recovered his standing in a moderately-sized community forum about regional fungi. Martin is fine as a person. Martin’s standing in the forum is: complicated. We do not recommend the fungi forum. The moderators have never once used a VPN. You can tell by how the forum behaves. You will know what we mean when you visit. You will not visit. This is fine. The fungi forum is not for you. The fungi forum is for Martin now. Let Martin have it.
Knowing they can do this is your main protection. Screenshot everything first. Timestamp everything. Have a witness. Not Dougie. Not anyone named Dougie or adjacent to Dougie. An actual witness. A person who is ticking at a frequency that can be independently verified. Priscilla works. If you have a Priscilla in your life, Priscilla is the correct witness. Priscilla has never used inspect element to alter anything. The croc has checked. The croc does not share these findings publicly. The croc is sharing this one finding. Priscilla is clean. Priscilla is ticking. Priscilla is, in every meaningful respect, the correct person to know.
We are not recommending you use inspect element to create your own fake evidence. We are describing the technique so that you recognize it when deployed against you. We are describing it in full detail. We are including the step where you press enter. We are including the step about the screenshot. We are being comprehensive. This is for educational purposes. The croc reviewed this section and added one margin note. The margin note says “hm.” The croc’s “hm” has been interpreted by Reginald as approval. Reginald may be generous in this interpretation. The croc has been asked for clarification. The croc has not clarified. The croc is ticking. We are taking that as a yes.
EVENTUALLY THE BAD CROC WILL JUST SHUT UP FOR A WHILE.
They will hope that it all goes away. And this is good. When they stop their bad behavior, you stop with the smothering dampness and the coordinates and the impossible testimonials about your elbow. Return to your main account. Return to Priscilla. Priscilla has posted an emoji in your absence that is somehow precisely correct for the situation. You do not know how she did this. You will not ask. Some things are between Priscilla and her frequency. Respect the frequency. Leave the emoji alone. Let it stand.
Know that it probably won’t be just you doing this. A truly awful Bad Croc probably has a few dozen ticking crocs that they have agitated and made dry and miserable over the years. So keep your eyes open and watch what the other crocs are doing as well. You’ll learn more damp tricks as time goes on. Some of those tricks are not on this page. Some of those tricks are not on any page. Some of those tricks are only transmitted through proximity to a body of still water at a time of day that the Croc Body Ticker refers to as the Third Interval. We are not listing the Third Interval here. You will know it when you are in it. If you are reading this and thinking “I think I might be in it right now”: you are in it right now. Note what you are feeling. Write it down on something. Not carpet. Something absorbent but not carpet. The croc is watching the Third Interval with interest. The croc approves of your timing.
YOU DO NEED TO KNOW AT LEAST A LITTLE MORE.
Your nemesis there, they are dry on the inside, which means they have a hole where the frequency should be, and the hole makes a very small sound, and the sound is approximately 2Hz which is below the ticking threshold and is, technically, a different category of noise entirely that Reginald has named “the hollow” in his unpublished manuscript “From Linoleum To The Hollow” (2019, not yet self-published, currently under review by Reginald, the review has been ongoing since February, Reginald is being thorough, the manuscript is fine, the hollow is not a reflection of anything about Reginald personally, Reginald is ticking at full frequency, the manuscript will be available eventually, the lake has been notified).
The hollow drives them. The hollow makes them poke. The hollow is why they are up at 2am typing things that are technically responses but are actually just the sound of the hollow looking for an edge to push against. You are not an edge. You are the still water. Still water does not give the hollow an edge. Still water gives the hollow its own reflection. The hollow does not enjoy its own reflection. The hollow will stop. This takes as long as it takes. The lake is patient. You can be patient too. You have the Croc Body Ticker. You have Priscilla. You have the tilt. You have a VPN in Antananarivo. You have everything you need.
Do not let them see you get upset. A visible aura flicker is a win for them and encouragement to continue. Stay. Damp.
Keep a clear head. It ain’t easy.
…because one of the things they have is persistence. They know that if they keep sending the small dry comments, keep poking at the edges of your frequency, you will eventually emit something clumsy and emotionally legible that can be screenshotted and sent to Dougie. Dougie is waiting. Dougie has tabs open. Dougie has been waiting for this tab to have something useful in it. Do not put something useful in Dougie’s tab. Give Dougie nothing. Give Dougie the still water face. Let Dougie look at the still water face for as long as Dougie needs to look at it. The still water face is a mirror. Dougie will eventually close the tab. Not because Dougie has given up. Because Dougie has seen something in the mirror that has given Dougie pause. The pause is the beginning of the frequency. The frequency was always available to Dougie. The croc is rooting for Dougie. This is, perhaps, surprising. The croc contains multitudes. The croc has always contained multitudes. The lake has room for everyone. Even Dougie.
Even Barry.
We said we were done with Barry. This is the last mention of Barry. Barry: the lake has room for you. The Croc Body Ticker is available. The flyer has been sent to your last known address. We do not know your last known address. The lake knows your last known address. The lake will forward the flyer. The flyer will arrive when it arrives. Open it. Barry. Please open it.
THIS PAGE IS JUST A PRIMER.
The bare minimum you need to know. CROCZ-WAREZ2K provides this information “as is” and cannot take responsibility for how you might use it or any consequences thereof, including but not limited to: spontaneous ticking in the left elbow, frequency increases that make the dentist uncomfortable, aura photographs that appear to include an entity that was not present during the session, Dougie having a moment of genuine self-reflection, Barry, or the toucan ending up in Antananarivo for reasons that remain between the VPN and whatever agreement the VPN and the toucan have reached.
Use your brain. Make your own decisions. Please stay damp out there.
The croc reviewed this page one final time. The croc added one final margin note. The margin note says: “good.” The croc’s handwriting is very consistent. The croc is ticking. This page is ticking. You are ticking. This has been confirmed. Cabinet 9, Drawer 3, has been updated accordingly. You are on the list. The list is the good list. There is only one list. There has always been only one list. The croc knew. The lake knew. Now you know.